The key to hot, safe and smart sex is communication and negotiation. This includes talking about what kind of sex you’re into, how you want to play, consent, your boundaries, and how each of you will engage with, understand and prioritise sexual health.
Ultimately your sexual health is your own responsibility, so don’t be shy about initiating these conversations if your partner hasn’t. This doesn’t have to be boring either: it can be sexy as fuck to talk through this stuff. The conversation isn’t confined to one point in time either; it’s about checking in before, during and after sex, making sure you’re both connected and maintaining consent.
An agreement about what you are into can change at any time and that is OK. You do not have to follow through with anything if you change your mind.
If you are new to playing with cis guys, then welcome! It can be lot of fun but it’s also totally understandable to be a bit nervous. You might not always get the action you’re hunting and sometimes potential sex partners can be super frustrating but playing with cis guys can be hot as hell.
You are sexy and deserve pleasure! Whatever you want to explore and get into is up to you, and there are a range of ways to find what you are looking for.
Seek and explore what you want and do nothing you don’t want to do. Don’t be afraid to go to that sex club and hang out at the glory holes the first few times. Or arrange to meet your trade at the club via a hook-up app. If you are binary identified, it can be a very liberating and validating experience to be in these types of gay male spaces.
Some guys douche their arse before sex to feel more comfortable when they’re getting fucked. Douching can increase the risk of HIV infection because it removes the mucous lining of your arse so it’s a good idea to douche at least 30 minutes beforehand so that the mucous lining can start to re-establish itself. Douching with a pointed nozzle can cause tiny cuts, so be careful. It’s up to you if you douche your arse but it’s very important to never douche your front hole.
Cruising is much more than an Al Pacino movie from 1980, it is the culture of looking for and checking out guys for sex. This can happen in a number of ways: online, on apps, in clubs, in beats or even on the street. Cruising is a bit of an art form that takes confidence and a measure of self-assuredness. It’s the expression of sexual attraction and the pursuit of sex, but it does take plenty of practice and a few false starts to figure out.
There are particular behaviours that are classic cruising codes. Some of it isn’t that different to other behaviours—it really depends on the setting—but with guys cruising guys, it is much more physical and less about talking. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk and set boundaries. Try turning the talking into something sexy.
Start slowly, in whatever setting you feel comfortable in, to help build your confidence. Go cruising with a mate and check in every so often. In Australia, sex clubs and saunas will generally welcome trans guys on T (or at least not explicitly ban us). You don’t need to call and check, if you want to go – Go! Some venues also hold cruising nights that welcome the diversity of trans masculinities.
Never forget that your body is awesome and sexy.
This is a big one and can be the source of so much anxiety, whether it’s about your HIV status or your trans experience. We worry that we will get hurt—or worse—and these are very real concerns so it’s important to think carefully about how you’ll approach it. Even though it’s likely the bloke will just walk away if he’s not interested, it’s important to stay alert.
Some guys include a brief description about being trans and/or their HIV status on app profiles and some might also include a link such as www.grunt.org.au. Prepare yourself for the odd cringe moment and remember that you don’t have to educate everyone you hook up with—boundaries are great! How you want to approach disclosure is up to you, but you may want to check out the HIV/AIDS Legal Service website for info about HIV and the law.
Cruising off the apps is trickier and when you find someone you want to get naked with. You need to figure out if, when and how to tell him that you are trans. Think about a script such as:
“Hey bud, just so you know. I’m trans. That means I’ve got a bonus hole/front hole/extra hard cock to play with. Cool?”
If you’re fisting or blowing someone, it may not be a thing worth mentioning. Don’t assume that he won’t be ok with it. But also expect that some cis men won’t be into what you got. Don’t let other people determine your self-worth or your boundaries.
When someone says no, that’s ok too so don’t push it. Consent means respecting either party not being up for it.
It might be rare but chances are, at some stage someone will reject you because you’re trans. Don’t let it get you down. If he misses out on you, it’s his loss. There are plenty of cis guys into what you got and what you bring to a hook up, quickie, connection or a relationship.
Dealing with dysphoria
Some guys experience it, some guys don’t, but it can be such a downer to be getting hot and heavy with the cis guy of your dreams and suddenly your brain screams, nope! Try to keep breathing and talking (if you need). It’s ok to stop and it’s ok to respond in whatever way feels right for you. Bottoming in any of your holes does not make you less of a man, in fact some of the most macho cis guys are total bottoms.
There are plenty of guys, cis and trans, with a diversity of chests sizes as well. What makes you a man is inside you, not what your body looks like.
If you are hooking up with someone, and you’ve set it up from an app, let a mate know where you are going. Chances are it will be fine, but it’s a good idea to let someone know who you’re with, where you are and how long you expect to be.
Take all the gear you need too, if that looks like condoms and lube for you, then bring them. Some guys will be on PrEP or use TasP. Whatever your safe sex is, communicate it in advance, set your ground rules around your boundaries and limits. It helps to do that before you arrive, but don’t hesitate to do it in person or even if that changes for you, keep the communication going. It can be tough in the moment but it’s important to remember that you alone are responsible for your sexual health.
Some cis guys aren’t that great around language and context. It’s definitely not your job to educate but it might be hot and helpful to link your potential partners to this website. Even having a link on your online profile might help you avoid awkward questions. #transmenongrindr
In some settings, drugs are used to enhance sexual pleasure and some trans guys use amyl, crystal meth, GHB or ketamine either separately or in combination. It’s important to know the effects that drugs can have on your ability to remain aware of what is going on, to enjoy yourself, to consent to certain activities and to reduce any harms.
Know your drugs, know your limits and know the effects that they will have on you. Stay safe and informed and take steps to look after yourself, before, during and after you party. Want to know more about sex and drugs? Check out the Touch Base website.
Sometimes people use alcohol or drugs to cope with the intense feelings of nervousness and low self-esteem, particularly for trans guys who haven’t played a lot with cis men. If you feel as though you might be doing this, try talking to someone or find a buddy to cruise with you. Make it a team sport, so you have some back up and maybe you won’t feel like getting too out of it.